I do not believe unconditional love can exist outside a parent/child relationship, and I’ll tell you why.

First, let’s understand what unconditional love is not. Unconditional love is not: I’ll love you no matter what you do. Unconditional love is not codependency. Unconditional love is not loving everything about a person. Unconditional love is not rigid.

Well, what is unconditional love? Unconditional love is loving no matter the obstacles, i.e., outside forces. Unconditional love is loving in spite of. Unconditional love allows you to continue to be your independent self.  Unconditional love is flexible; it grows and adapts over time.

If you think about a parent/child relationship, it fits the conditions of unconditional love perfectly. Parents grow and change as their children grow and change. Parents don’t always agree with everything their child does, but they love them just the same. Children don’t always listen, and they make mistakes, but parents love them despite that. Throughout the parent/child bond, parents raise their children to become distinct individual people while maintaining their own identity and independent selves.

Why can’t this love exist in romantic partnerships and marriages? The answer is really quite simple; control. In romantic love and marriage, you promise to love each other no matter what, even in circumstances beyond your control. This demonstrates a complete disregard for reality which in turn can hurt a relationship. Unconditional love in romantic love equates to consequence-free love, which can complicate matters when dealing with issues in the relationship. 

If romantic love could truly be unconditional, then the divorce rate would be a lot lower, and irreconcilable differences would not be a reason for the dissolution of a marriage. In the face of unconditional love, you could never fall out of love with someone or stop loving them, both of which are reasons used quite often for why a relationship didn’t work out, or a marriage ended. Even in examining marriage vows, you promise your love conditionally; for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

I believe there is a fair amount of confusion where unconditional love is equated with genuine love. Not having unconditional love as a part of romantic love doesn’t mean you love your partner any less. Genuine love is not blind or unconditional. Genuine love acknowledges external obstacles and accounts for that. Genuine love empowers you to make tough decisions in the face of adversity. Genuine love says it’s ok to feel negatively toward your partner because it allows you to understand that your feelings will change over time. 

The goal for romantic love is not unconditional but genuine.