Running back to the same hands that broke you will not heal you.

Closure is one of those things everybody wants but can’t have. We talk about certain life experiences as if finality is something we can obtain. We fail to realize that these experiences have changed us, and we are looking for something that will return us to our original state, which is impossible. You have been fundamentally changed, and now you need to move forward in that manner.

You hear it all the time, the closure conversations: I need closure, or I can’t find closure. Most often, the solution people seek lies with the one they lost. That’s the problem with closure, you are looking for it in someone else, and you believe if you can achieve closure, you can get your life back. But you can’t go back. Looking back is not going to heal you. Going backward is never productive.

I came across a definition of closure that I thought was pretty profound. Closure was described as the final step in the grieving process. Typically when we talk about grief, the conversation is centered around death. Which essentially is loss. When you are mourning, you are expressing your grief of a loss. When you end a relationship, you suffer a loss. No matter how the relationship ended, something that once was is no more.

We often think that grief goes away over time, but it doesn’t. When a loss occurs, grief consumes our lives, but life goes on, and the world keeps spinning. Our lives soon grow and change and begin to dwarf our grief, but the grief is still there. It always will be. Grief can manifest in several different ways and almost always has an impact.

Grief is uncomfortable and ridged, which is why closure becomes so attractive. Nobody likes to be uncomfortable. But be careful because comfort breeds stagnation. Learn to lean into discomfort because that’s where growth happens. A byproduct of loss and grief is a change in self. You will never be the same. Seeking something to try to return you to a person that no longer exists is hopeless and can exacerbate the grief.  

Closure does not exist, and it should not be a goal that you work towards in your healing. Instead, focus on how to reconcile the new you with the old you. Take the lesson and leave the rest. Never stop learning because life will never stop teaching.